his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
FUCK WHALES
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
