the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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