I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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