He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
