You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Is it penis luge time yet?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
