i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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