Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
