I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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