This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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