the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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