Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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