my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and she was petting her beer can
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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