I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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