News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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