Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
