When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
