U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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