If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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