If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
