the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
