Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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