the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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