best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
