i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I need to align my fucking chakras
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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