I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
