i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
