u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
