the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
