Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
