I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
