oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
