I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Four minutes until I can fart!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
