see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
