my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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