She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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