i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We had to coat check the pizza.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
