wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
