we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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