who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
