To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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