Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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