his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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