I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
