I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
