if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Two words: blizzard sex
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
