now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
