i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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