I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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