I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize