I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
