You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
