I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
