Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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