I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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