dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
