ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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